you live and you learn... especially as a teacher.

So it’s done and over, summer institute in Atlanta is over. It couldn’t have come sooner in some aspects (I don’t know how many more sessions over behavior management I could have sat through or how many more days I could have passive-aggressively fought for more control within the four person collaborative group) but I really, truly wish I could have had 10 more years with my students. They worked so hard (most days) but there were many that I left feeling as if I didn’t give enough to really make a difference, William* for example. William was a student that in the beginning just sat in class saying little, doing even less, and feeling as if he could get by doing these things; I pushed Will to really do his work and one day he had a meltdown. At the end of the day I talked with Will about how he had to really do the work we were giving him if he wanted to go on to high school, which he did.

I gave Will a note that included my phone number and told him to reach out to me if he needed help on homework. Will began to text me about homework and just about his day or asking me how I was doing; he always had a text signature of “Dimples” which I guessed came from his big smile that left dimples framing his face. The day after texting with “Dimples” I got a text from Will with the text signature of “Southside Crips” I had inklings before, like when he refused to use the red Marker I gave him to write with or when he started getting into it with students in other classes in the school which we had been told was predominately from Bloods neighborhoods.  Will couldn't focus in class and we started to suspect that he was coming into school high; an eighth grade student was not only in a gang, his father was in the same gang and someone was probably giving him drugs before he came to school everyday.  I never even called home.

I didn't reach out to anyone else in his life, figuring if he was in a gang his family knew and didn't care.  I said I tried to do everything I could but all I did was talk to a 13 year old boy who probably wasn't even in the right state of mind when I talked with him the first time.  I continued to press Will to work during class and texted him in the evenings to remind him of homework and even called him the night before the CRCT, their end of the year, comprehensive test. He came the last day of the session and seemed to have his head on straight.  I tried one more time to press upon him the importance of staying straight if he wanted to achieve his goal of becoming a Navy Seal and he seemed to have a better understanding of what I was telling him.

I haven't heard from Will since I left Atlanta and I'm afraid to contact him, knowing that I didn't only fail him personally but I also had to give him a failing grade in my class, which probably landed him back in the eighth grade.  So as  school has started and I'm waiting to hear about a teaching position in Memphis I remind myself that I have to do all I can push my students inside my classroom.  I know that I can't control everything in my students lives or fix all of their problems but I do have to push them to achieve everything they can academically and hope that their ability to achieve academic success will spiral into their confidence about other aspects of their lives.

I will push myself to hold my student accountable; I will push myself to do everything within my locus of control; I will push myself everyday for Will.

**Name changed.